Spoilers notwithstanding.
Let's deal with that first. Lots of people in my social media bubble couldn't stop themselves from posting their excitement about a certain character's big moment. In their defense, they didn't say exactly what that big moment was. But, knowing that this character had a big moment coming affected my experience while watching the episode.
Most of the action was hard to interpret visually. Part of it was how crowded everything was. Part of that was how dark it was. (I don't think I was dealing with a bad picture, having recorded it from satellite on DVR.) But, I had a hard time seeing what was happening on screen most of the time.
As a result of the above, I'm not sure who actually survived. But, it feels like there weren't enough meaningful deaths for such a big battle. Clearly thousands of people died, but almost nobody whose name I know did. Plot armor out the wazoo.
I also felt like the ending was anticlimactic. If all that needed to happen was for Arya to sneak up on the Night King, why the fuck didn't she just hide in the damn tree? Why did she have to fight her way through all that bullshit in the keep only to appear out of nowhere and kill the big bad at the last possible second.
You just stab him and he's dead and that's it? And all the other bads die too? Were the other White Walkers only in the episode so we could see them disintegrate at the end? Why didn't we get to see them do any fighting?
Clearly a lot of people loved that moment, given all the emphatic exclamations on social media last night.. Most people seem to be a much bigger fan of Arya Stark than I am.
I'm half-way on board with the people who are disappointed that the Night King arc is over, but that's mostly because his ending was so anticlimactic. The other half of me is happy that we'll get to see what shakes out between John, Dany, and Cersei without worrying about the zombies.
Monday, April 29, 2019
A few thoughts about Endgame
I'm putting my thoughts here so that I can link here and not spoil anyone on social media.
Two big things bothered me.
1.) For "Five Years Later," there was way too much mess laying around. I know half the population was gone, but I'm pretty sure that people could would have cobbled together some cleanup crews in that time. Maybe there would still be some cars on some less populated streets like we saw, but there is absolutely no way those boats would be allowed just to accumulate around Ellis Island. I'm also pretty sure the MLB would still be in operation but even if it wasn't, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't just let the stadium fall into disrepair.
2. The "Girl Power" moment was ridiculous. It took me out of the film for a second. It didn't make any sense. Wanda had just had her "big power" moment (which had been a long time coming, in my opinion). Carol was still having hers. I guess they felt like they needed to share those moments with the rest of the female cast? I don't know. It just didn't make sense that all of a sudden all of the named women would converge in one spot like that.
Otherwise, I thought it was fine. I'd heard from several people that it "doesn't feel 3 hours long," but I have to disagree. It could be because I was seeing it at 8:20 Sunday night. I never exactly felt bored, but there were definitely moments where I grew impatient and was ready for the story to get moving.
Lastly, I'd been joking for years about how "fat Thor" was my best cosplay option. Now it's totally viable and canon.
Two big things bothered me.
1.) For "Five Years Later," there was way too much mess laying around. I know half the population was gone, but I'm pretty sure that people could would have cobbled together some cleanup crews in that time. Maybe there would still be some cars on some less populated streets like we saw, but there is absolutely no way those boats would be allowed just to accumulate around Ellis Island. I'm also pretty sure the MLB would still be in operation but even if it wasn't, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't just let the stadium fall into disrepair.
2. The "Girl Power" moment was ridiculous. It took me out of the film for a second. It didn't make any sense. Wanda had just had her "big power" moment (which had been a long time coming, in my opinion). Carol was still having hers. I guess they felt like they needed to share those moments with the rest of the female cast? I don't know. It just didn't make sense that all of a sudden all of the named women would converge in one spot like that.
Otherwise, I thought it was fine. I'd heard from several people that it "doesn't feel 3 hours long," but I have to disagree. It could be because I was seeing it at 8:20 Sunday night. I never exactly felt bored, but there were definitely moments where I grew impatient and was ready for the story to get moving.
Lastly, I'd been joking for years about how "fat Thor" was my best cosplay option. Now it's totally viable and canon.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Captain Marvel Film Review
Several years ago, I decided to get an subscription to Marvel Unlimited. For anyone who doesn't know, it's essentially Netflix for digital back issues of Marvel comics. One of the first things I read was Brian Reed's 2006 Ms. Marvel run. I can't remember now why I decided to start reading it, besides that Ms. Marvel was a character I knew very little about at the time.
Since then Carol Danvers (formerly Ms. Marvel, now Captain Marvel) has held the spot as my favorite superhero. I have amassed a sizable collection of Ms./Captain Marvel collectibles over the years.
When the Captain Marvel movie was announced, I was both excited and worried. Excited that my favorite superhero was going to be getting her own movie, but worried that I'd either have too much "fan baggage" to enjoy the film or that my expectations would be so high that I'd be guaranteed a let-down.
It surprised most people to find out that I had barely even watched any trailers or promotional material for the movie. I knew I was going to see it, likely on opening weekend (as it turns out, I saw it twice), but I wanted to go in with as little information about the film as possible. I wanted to do my best to evaluate it for what it was without giving myself time to start nitpicking all the differences from the comic-books beforehand.
I like the Captain Marvel movie. I don't love it. I think most people will enjoy it. But, it's probably among the bottom half of MCU movies in terms of quality. Coming from me, that's not a huge knock on it. The only MCU film that I find not to be very good is Thor: The Dark World.
I have seen the movie twice now: Once by myself on Friday and another this morning with Celia. I liked it a little better the second time.
The script seemed to lack a little focus. I'm not sure what I would have done differently, given the story they were trying to tell, but I didn't really feel like the movie found its footing until we got to Earth and Nick Fury got hooked into the story. Sometimes it almost felt like a Superman story with Carol mostly working to overcome personal struggles and to figure out how to do the right thing. (1)
I wasn't hit particularly hard by the alleged "women's empowerment" theme. I can certainly see how someone's reading of the film could focus on that. It's definitely there, but it is not at all heavy-handed. Only the most cynical movie-goers will walk out of the theater bemoaning an unwelcome political message.
Once the plot got rolling, it worked pretty well. There's a "big switch" about 2/3 of the way through the movie that I thought was pretty well executed. The final battle really showed off how powerful this MCU version of Captain Marvel is meant to be.
Something about the way the Skrulls looked really bothered me for about the first half of the movie. It almost seemed like they didn't make it all the way through post-production. I also found the head Skrull's voice to be grating and distracting. Otherwise, the visual effects were pleasing. In particular, the addition of blue to Carol's energy-effect color palette worked well (especially considering the source of her powers in the MCU).
Brie Larson did a fine job in the role, but this version of Carol Danvers came off as somewhat flat and difficult to like, especially at first.(2) That's definitely a result of the memory-loss angle that's critical to this story (and has been an on-going and over-used gimmick in Carol Danvers stories for decades). Samuel L. Jackson, Annette Bening, and Jude Law also turned in strong performances.
One of my biggest disappointments is related to the setting. I was really hoping for more 90's nostalgia. It wasn't wholly absent, but with so much of the film taking place in space and in a secret military installation, there wasn't that much room for a full-on nostalgia trip.
I was similarly a little bit disappointed in the soundtrack. It certainly has some songs that I love, but I didn't think that any of them had any particularly effective "big moments" in the film. Celia told me that she thinks the soundtrack was maybe "for girls," so that may explain why I didn't connect with it as much as I'd have liked.
There was enough fan-service without it becoming a distraction. Goose (Chewie) was a fun inclusion. I also enjoyed the brief homage to the original comic-book Kree uniform. In the comics, Monica Rambeau briefly took the name "Captain Marvel," so it was nice to see her included. I can't imagine we've seen the last of her.
I was not particularly bothered by the changes to Carol's origin story. I'd known going in that the changes would have to be significant. Anything approaching the comic-book version would have been far too long winded and confusing for movie-goers.(3) I would have liked to have seen more of Carol's relationship with Mar-Vell, but I'm not sure it was possible given the way they chose to tell this story. I didn't mind the alternate source for both her Kree and energy-projection powers. In fact, I think they did a pretty good job of making it clear why she had both without it becoming too confusing.
Ultimately, if you enjoy MC films, you'll probably like this one. If you're growing tired of the MCU, then I'm not sure why you're reading this right now. Even if you're not particularly interested in Captain Marvel, the movie serves as a decent SHIELD and Nick Fury origin story. On the whole, it's an enjoyable if imperfect film. You should probably see it.
(1) Given that the original comic-book Captain Marvel was a not-so-subtle Superman rip-off, this doesn't really come as a surprise. Not to mention the Carol Danvers(Ms. Marvel)/Kara Danvers(Supergirl) connection.
(2) Of course, if you go by her recent comic-book portrayal, that's pretty true to source material. :/
(3) In the comics, Ms. Marvel didn't even have energy projection powers for a really long time. It wasn't until her powers got stolen by Rogue and she was subsequently experimented upon by the Brood that she got her cosmic blasty powers. Neither Rogue nor the Brood even exist in the MCU right now. It makes for more sense for Carol to be introduced to the MCU as she currently exists in the comics.
Since then Carol Danvers (formerly Ms. Marvel, now Captain Marvel) has held the spot as my favorite superhero. I have amassed a sizable collection of Ms./Captain Marvel collectibles over the years.
 |
| This is nowhere close to all of it. |
When the Captain Marvel movie was announced, I was both excited and worried. Excited that my favorite superhero was going to be getting her own movie, but worried that I'd either have too much "fan baggage" to enjoy the film or that my expectations would be so high that I'd be guaranteed a let-down.
It surprised most people to find out that I had barely even watched any trailers or promotional material for the movie. I knew I was going to see it, likely on opening weekend (as it turns out, I saw it twice), but I wanted to go in with as little information about the film as possible. I wanted to do my best to evaluate it for what it was without giving myself time to start nitpicking all the differences from the comic-books beforehand.
I like the Captain Marvel movie. I don't love it. I think most people will enjoy it. But, it's probably among the bottom half of MCU movies in terms of quality. Coming from me, that's not a huge knock on it. The only MCU film that I find not to be very good is Thor: The Dark World.
I have seen the movie twice now: Once by myself on Friday and another this morning with Celia. I liked it a little better the second time.
The script seemed to lack a little focus. I'm not sure what I would have done differently, given the story they were trying to tell, but I didn't really feel like the movie found its footing until we got to Earth and Nick Fury got hooked into the story. Sometimes it almost felt like a Superman story with Carol mostly working to overcome personal struggles and to figure out how to do the right thing. (1)
I wasn't hit particularly hard by the alleged "women's empowerment" theme. I can certainly see how someone's reading of the film could focus on that. It's definitely there, but it is not at all heavy-handed. Only the most cynical movie-goers will walk out of the theater bemoaning an unwelcome political message.
Once the plot got rolling, it worked pretty well. There's a "big switch" about 2/3 of the way through the movie that I thought was pretty well executed. The final battle really showed off how powerful this MCU version of Captain Marvel is meant to be.
Something about the way the Skrulls looked really bothered me for about the first half of the movie. It almost seemed like they didn't make it all the way through post-production. I also found the head Skrull's voice to be grating and distracting. Otherwise, the visual effects were pleasing. In particular, the addition of blue to Carol's energy-effect color palette worked well (especially considering the source of her powers in the MCU).
Brie Larson did a fine job in the role, but this version of Carol Danvers came off as somewhat flat and difficult to like, especially at first.(2) That's definitely a result of the memory-loss angle that's critical to this story (and has been an on-going and over-used gimmick in Carol Danvers stories for decades). Samuel L. Jackson, Annette Bening, and Jude Law also turned in strong performances.
One of my biggest disappointments is related to the setting. I was really hoping for more 90's nostalgia. It wasn't wholly absent, but with so much of the film taking place in space and in a secret military installation, there wasn't that much room for a full-on nostalgia trip.
I was similarly a little bit disappointed in the soundtrack. It certainly has some songs that I love, but I didn't think that any of them had any particularly effective "big moments" in the film. Celia told me that she thinks the soundtrack was maybe "for girls," so that may explain why I didn't connect with it as much as I'd have liked.
There was enough fan-service without it becoming a distraction. Goose (Chewie) was a fun inclusion. I also enjoyed the brief homage to the original comic-book Kree uniform. In the comics, Monica Rambeau briefly took the name "Captain Marvel," so it was nice to see her included. I can't imagine we've seen the last of her.
I was not particularly bothered by the changes to Carol's origin story. I'd known going in that the changes would have to be significant. Anything approaching the comic-book version would have been far too long winded and confusing for movie-goers.(3) I would have liked to have seen more of Carol's relationship with Mar-Vell, but I'm not sure it was possible given the way they chose to tell this story. I didn't mind the alternate source for both her Kree and energy-projection powers. In fact, I think they did a pretty good job of making it clear why she had both without it becoming too confusing.
Ultimately, if you enjoy MC films, you'll probably like this one. If you're growing tired of the MCU, then I'm not sure why you're reading this right now. Even if you're not particularly interested in Captain Marvel, the movie serves as a decent SHIELD and Nick Fury origin story. On the whole, it's an enjoyable if imperfect film. You should probably see it.
(1) Given that the original comic-book Captain Marvel was a not-so-subtle Superman rip-off, this doesn't really come as a surprise. Not to mention the Carol Danvers(Ms. Marvel)/Kara Danvers(Supergirl) connection.
(2) Of course, if you go by her recent comic-book portrayal, that's pretty true to source material. :/
(3) In the comics, Ms. Marvel didn't even have energy projection powers for a really long time. It wasn't until her powers got stolen by Rogue and she was subsequently experimented upon by the Brood that she got her cosmic blasty powers. Neither Rogue nor the Brood even exist in the MCU right now. It makes for more sense for Carol to be introduced to the MCU as she currently exists in the comics.
Friday, November 2, 2018
The Louisiana State Fair Food Crawl
What's a State Fair Food Crawl, anyway?
Last night, I had the privilege of attending the first ever Louisiana State Fair Food Crawl. In fact, there's a very good chance that it was the first State Fair Food Crawl ever, anywhere!In exchange for a small fee, attendees were given parking and admission to the fair and promised a sampling of a wide variety of Fair Food. As someone who enjoys sampling a wide variety of culinary delights, and as some one who enjoys fried junk food, I thought this event must have been proposed specifically with me in mind.
Stop #1: Porky's for Rocky Mountain Oysters.
I had never tried these before. For those who don't know, Rocky Mountain Oysters are fried cow testicles. I thought they were delicious. A few of my compatriots were kind of squeamish about eating these, but I ate my entire helping and then most of Celia's (Celia doesn't typically eat mammals, but she was a good sport and tried almost everything). They were very salty, but well seasoned. I'm not sure I would have wanted to eat a whole helping of them, but I definitely recommend them as a shared appetizer or something like that.
Stop #2: Uncle Ray's for A Stuffed Pepper
This is a large jalapeno pepper stuffed with chicken and cheese, then wrapped in bacon, then grilled. It was absolutely delicious. This is the must-try item of the food crawl, in my opinion. If you're at the Fair, go see Uncle Ray and buy one of these peppers.
Stop #3: Concessions Unlimited for Fried Oreos.
These were my first fried Oreos and they did not disappoint. That said, they're pretty much exactly what you think they are: Oreos deep fried in a sweet batter. If you like sweets you'll like these and if you like Oreos, you'll love them.
Stop #4: Chocolate Chip Cookies for Fried Cookie Dough
I know it looks like a corn dog with powered sugar, but this is fried cookie dough. This homemade cookie dough is frozen and then battered and fried. That keeps the dough itself from cooking. The center of ours was still cold, which was actually really pleasant. It let the flavor of the dough and the chocolate chips come through the outer layer of fried batter. This item is incredibly sweet. Fortunately, the Fair provided us with some bottled water right before this stop.
Stop #5: McKinney Food Services for Corn Dogs
Shockingly, we had a member of our group who had never had a Corn Dog before. We all made sure she got the first one. Like any good American, I love Corn Dogs. A freshly fried Corn Dog from the Fair is hard to beat. Celia even ate all of hers.
Stop #6: Swaine's Fine Foods for Insect Pizza
Here, we were served either Cricket or Mealworm Pizza. Many of our group were variously excited or disgusted by this prospect. Sadly, I'd had both crickets and mealworms before (I really like mealworms). Celia (worried about allergies) picked the cricket off her pizza and I added it to mine. So, one may say that I enjoyed a cricket and mealworm combination pizza. The pizza was good, but the individual bugs didn't add much to the experience for me. I'd definitely be interested in trying their Pizza on a Stick (a term they have trademarked) in the future.
Stop #7: Miss Piggy's for Fried Boudin Balls with Good Time Sauce
These are exactly what you think. Battered and fried Boudin balls drizzled with a special sauce. They are very flavorful, and maybe a bit too spicy for my taste. By this point in the evening, I had already eaten a whole lot of fried carbs and this Boudin Ball felt very heavy and rich.
Stop #8: Winkle Concessions for Fried Bacon Wrapped Chicken and Fried Glazed Thick-Cut Bacon
Some food fatigue was definitely setting in here. I'd been eating all of my food and some of Celia's all night long. Both items here were delicious, but I had Celia give her second piece of bacon to someone else.
Stop #10: Larry's for Kool-aid Pickles
I'd had Kool-aid pickles before. But, these were undoubtedly the best. They had an amazing blend of sweet and sour and tangy. I'm not sure I would want to eat a whole one, but this was an excellent palate cleanser at this point in the evening.
Stop #10: Silver Dollar Bakery for Cinnamon Rolls
I was VERY excited when Cinnamon Rolls were the last stop. I love Cinnamon Rolls. They had made a special batch of small Cinnamon Rolls specially for our group. Celia says my whole demeanor changed when the next stop was announced. Celia kept trying to talk to me, but I just wanted to watch the man plate the Cinnamon Rolls. I was so excited that I started to try to eat mine before I remembered to take a picture. That's why mine looks a little mangled already.
A Final Treat and Reflections
Before we dispersed, the Fair treated us all to one free ride. I wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel. Celia didn't. We rode it anyway. She was terrified and I felt bad about that. I hadn't ridden a Ferris Wheel since I was a small child (likely at the Pecan Festival with my mom). I used to have a severe fear of heights, but the Ferris Wheel didn't bother me at all.
At the end of the Crawl, we were asked to pick our favorite sweet item, favorite savory item, and favorite item overall. The Cinnamon Roll won for sweets, while the Stuffed Pepper won savory and overall for me.
If they do another Food Crawl next year, I definitely plan to attend again. It was a phenomenal value and an awesome experience.
Thursday, February 22, 2018
On Masculinity
The other day, I found myself in a Facebook discussion (which eventually turned into an argument, and then into a full-on roast with me as the target) with a group of women who were intent on telling me why my opinion about the Black Panther movie was either irrelevant or less meaningful than someone else’s because I’m a white man. (Interestingly, at least one of those women, also white, has since seen the movie and posted her glowing opinions about it.) My continued conflict with people who find the fact that I disagree with them about some issue to be evidence of my poor overall character will likely be a topic of a different post in the near future, as this has happened to me many times in recent months.
But, I want to talk about masculinity a bit before I return to my experience in that conversation the other day. There is a lot of buzz about toxic masculinity right now, especially as it relates to school shootings (US school shooters being an unfailingly male group). That historical cultural standards of masculinity have been harmful to men (especially young men) should come as little surprise to most people. As a sensitive boy growing up in the deep south who wasn’t exactly conforming to the sports-playing, gun-shooting, big truck driving standards in my community, I was well aware of it.
I was a sensitive child. I guess you could say that I cried a lot. When I was in Kindergarten, I remember crying almost every day as my mother or grandmother put me onto the bus, which led to no shortage of teasing from the other children. I learned that boys weren’t supposed to cry. I did my best to “be a man” like everyone around me seemed to be able to do so effortlessly, but I wasn’t very good at it. In the 5th grade, our class watched “Where the Red Fern Grows.” It was too much for me. I sat there openly crying about that incredibly sad movie while some of the other kids immediately started making fun. To their credit, not everyone did and I do remember some of the girls showing sincere concern, which was comforting at the time. It was also comforting when the teacher took up for me by saying to the class something along the lines of “You shouldn't make fun of him for being sad. Girls, as you grow up, you’re going to wish you had a sensitive man as a husband.”
Looking back now, both things are somewhat troubling. Why should those girls be concerned that I was crying? That movie is heart-wrenching, and I’ve nearly teared up just thinking about it as I’m writing this. That a human person, regardless of gender, would be moved to tears by something so sad shouldn’t be a cause for concern. If anything, blank-faced stoicism ought to be a more troubling reaction. In the case of my teacher, I’m positive she was trying to disarm the teasing boys with her comment and to reassure me that my reaction was acceptable. At the same time, it bothers me some in hindsight that she chose to highlight a sensitive man’s value as a potential mate as the most important reason that a boy or man might want to embrace his sensitive side.
People who know me well know that I am a sensitive person whose feelings bruise easily. When I was a young man, hurting my feelings often caused me to have angry outbursts. I can’t say for sure that it was social pressure that pushed me that direction, but I can say that it felt like aggressive emotions were “safer” to show as a young man.
Over the years, my skin has gotten thicker (I would never have lasted as a public school teacher had it not), but it’s still not all that difficult to hurt my feelings. I do my best to avoid angry outbursts, but I still get hurt and I still get angry. One of the best ways to hurt my feelings is to make me feel as though I am not valued.
This was exactly what was happening in my discussion about Black Panther with those women the other day. In the course of the conversation (two of the women were what I would have called friends at the time, the other two were strangers), I did my best to remain civil but to be pretty firm that I did not agree with them. At one point, I became frustrated and exited the conversation by deleting my original comment. We were getting nowhere and my feelings were just getting more hurt as they kept reiterating that my perspective on the movie was not valuable.
I returned some time later to find them all still talking about me, mocking me, and posting screenshots of a Facebook post that I made out of frustration. I was being called things like “whiny” and “fragile.” I jumped back into the conversation and owned my hurt feelings. I admitted my sensitivity. I apologized for my imperfection and for offending them. They continued to mock me and try to explain to me why I was wrong that my opinion had value.
How is it that they did not see their actions as hurtful? In the first place, to be told by a friend that one’s opinion about something is irrelevant because of your race and gender is upsetting. It’s also upsetting to be mocked and disparaged for the sin of having hurt feelings. These women, based on their comments to me, likely see themselves as progressive. They likely decry toxic masculinity as a problem in modern culture. At the same time, they quickly descended into the same kind of mocking that I experienced as a schoolchild.
Am I allowed to be a “fragile” man in this brave new world? Can I openly be the sensitive person that I have always been, or is that still going to get me called names and devalued?
The whole situation still bothers me, and not just as an encapsulation of how antiquated notions of masculinity still sneak up on us. It’s hurtful to be devalued, especially by friends. It’s also hurtful that people that I thought were friends of mine would so quickly write me off over a disagreement like this.
I do not write this for sympathy. I have been hurt before and I will be hurt again. I’m fine. (And I'll be the first to admit that I may be oversensitive.) I’m also not trying to overstate the plight of men. I am well aware of the advantages that my gender has given me in my lifetime. I write this primarily for my own catharsis, but also because we need to change the conversation.
If we are going to acknowledge that traditional notions of masculinity have been destructive and have led to generations of young men who don’t know how they ought to express themselves or act, we need to stop using language that disparages and demeans men when they seem to be upset.
***
Addendum:
After apologizing for being imperfect and wishing everyone the best a second time, I stopped replying. The abuse continued for a time. Upon checking one of those notifications, I decided to go back and “like” every post in the thread besides the ones where I was actively being disparaged. I “love” reacted to those. I admit that it was a snarky thing to do, but at the time it felt good to call out their ugliness in that way.
This turned out to be the final straw for my former Facebook friend. She accused me of being creepy and compared my behavior to that of a school shooter. Then she blocked me.
This, from a woman who had earlier talked about changing her profile picture to a screengrab of a comment she thought did a good job of putting me in my place that a friend of mine left on my post.
But, I want to talk about masculinity a bit before I return to my experience in that conversation the other day. There is a lot of buzz about toxic masculinity right now, especially as it relates to school shootings (US school shooters being an unfailingly male group). That historical cultural standards of masculinity have been harmful to men (especially young men) should come as little surprise to most people. As a sensitive boy growing up in the deep south who wasn’t exactly conforming to the sports-playing, gun-shooting, big truck driving standards in my community, I was well aware of it.
I was a sensitive child. I guess you could say that I cried a lot. When I was in Kindergarten, I remember crying almost every day as my mother or grandmother put me onto the bus, which led to no shortage of teasing from the other children. I learned that boys weren’t supposed to cry. I did my best to “be a man” like everyone around me seemed to be able to do so effortlessly, but I wasn’t very good at it. In the 5th grade, our class watched “Where the Red Fern Grows.” It was too much for me. I sat there openly crying about that incredibly sad movie while some of the other kids immediately started making fun. To their credit, not everyone did and I do remember some of the girls showing sincere concern, which was comforting at the time. It was also comforting when the teacher took up for me by saying to the class something along the lines of “You shouldn't make fun of him for being sad. Girls, as you grow up, you’re going to wish you had a sensitive man as a husband.”
Looking back now, both things are somewhat troubling. Why should those girls be concerned that I was crying? That movie is heart-wrenching, and I’ve nearly teared up just thinking about it as I’m writing this. That a human person, regardless of gender, would be moved to tears by something so sad shouldn’t be a cause for concern. If anything, blank-faced stoicism ought to be a more troubling reaction. In the case of my teacher, I’m positive she was trying to disarm the teasing boys with her comment and to reassure me that my reaction was acceptable. At the same time, it bothers me some in hindsight that she chose to highlight a sensitive man’s value as a potential mate as the most important reason that a boy or man might want to embrace his sensitive side.
People who know me well know that I am a sensitive person whose feelings bruise easily. When I was a young man, hurting my feelings often caused me to have angry outbursts. I can’t say for sure that it was social pressure that pushed me that direction, but I can say that it felt like aggressive emotions were “safer” to show as a young man.
Over the years, my skin has gotten thicker (I would never have lasted as a public school teacher had it not), but it’s still not all that difficult to hurt my feelings. I do my best to avoid angry outbursts, but I still get hurt and I still get angry. One of the best ways to hurt my feelings is to make me feel as though I am not valued.
This was exactly what was happening in my discussion about Black Panther with those women the other day. In the course of the conversation (two of the women were what I would have called friends at the time, the other two were strangers), I did my best to remain civil but to be pretty firm that I did not agree with them. At one point, I became frustrated and exited the conversation by deleting my original comment. We were getting nowhere and my feelings were just getting more hurt as they kept reiterating that my perspective on the movie was not valuable.
I returned some time later to find them all still talking about me, mocking me, and posting screenshots of a Facebook post that I made out of frustration. I was being called things like “whiny” and “fragile.” I jumped back into the conversation and owned my hurt feelings. I admitted my sensitivity. I apologized for my imperfection and for offending them. They continued to mock me and try to explain to me why I was wrong that my opinion had value.
How is it that they did not see their actions as hurtful? In the first place, to be told by a friend that one’s opinion about something is irrelevant because of your race and gender is upsetting. It’s also upsetting to be mocked and disparaged for the sin of having hurt feelings. These women, based on their comments to me, likely see themselves as progressive. They likely decry toxic masculinity as a problem in modern culture. At the same time, they quickly descended into the same kind of mocking that I experienced as a schoolchild.
Am I allowed to be a “fragile” man in this brave new world? Can I openly be the sensitive person that I have always been, or is that still going to get me called names and devalued?
The whole situation still bothers me, and not just as an encapsulation of how antiquated notions of masculinity still sneak up on us. It’s hurtful to be devalued, especially by friends. It’s also hurtful that people that I thought were friends of mine would so quickly write me off over a disagreement like this.
I do not write this for sympathy. I have been hurt before and I will be hurt again. I’m fine. (And I'll be the first to admit that I may be oversensitive.) I’m also not trying to overstate the plight of men. I am well aware of the advantages that my gender has given me in my lifetime. I write this primarily for my own catharsis, but also because we need to change the conversation.
If we are going to acknowledge that traditional notions of masculinity have been destructive and have led to generations of young men who don’t know how they ought to express themselves or act, we need to stop using language that disparages and demeans men when they seem to be upset.
***
Addendum:
After apologizing for being imperfect and wishing everyone the best a second time, I stopped replying. The abuse continued for a time. Upon checking one of those notifications, I decided to go back and “like” every post in the thread besides the ones where I was actively being disparaged. I “love” reacted to those. I admit that it was a snarky thing to do, but at the time it felt good to call out their ugliness in that way.
This turned out to be the final straw for my former Facebook friend. She accused me of being creepy and compared my behavior to that of a school shooter. Then she blocked me.
This, from a woman who had earlier talked about changing her profile picture to a screengrab of a comment she thought did a good job of putting me in my place that a friend of mine left on my post.
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